Cut and Paste, Start Again

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

\"Save\"

I don't like the word.
I don't like the concept of being "saved."
When someone suggests that they intend to "save" me,
there's a part of me that takes it as a challenge.
Like, suddenly, my brokenness fills up with spite,
and I'm angry at the idea that you seem to think I can't pull myself together
That I need you to do it
And I want to see you fail trying
just for being cocky enough to think that you alone could be my savior.

But more importantly, I don't believe in saving people myself.
I think that every one of us has to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. That there has to be an internal decision to get better or to get worse. The people in our lives help us to save ourselves, they offer up the tools to get the job done. But it's always an internal process.
I don't want to take the credit for the work that you're doing, if all I did was watch and cheer you on, and offer pointers when you were getting stuck. There's nothing heroic about being there for someone.

And it makes me question the world that I'm living in, when so many people seem to used the word "saved" when really they mean "was there for" me.

But I can't help it.
I'll never take the credit for when you're finally happy with yourself.
But I'll always be there.
Be there to listen.
And to care.
And to try and help.

Cause even if it is an inner process, once in a while you might need someone to carry you through it :/

And I never mean to insult or patronize.
Saving is something... that you don't do so you can take pride in it.
Because it's not really something for you to take pride in.
It's something for the person to take pride in... that they finally overcame their obstacles and have moved on.

Like I said...
It's my job to be there. To listen. To care, and to help.

... You do yourself an injustice by suggesting that it's a "job."

And I know that's not what you meant, I know that no one ever thinks of it as a job or a chore to be helpful. But you used the word. Which means that there's a part of you, and many others, who sees this as a "duty" that they have to help others.

You do yourself and injustice by thinking of it in those terms.
To be compassionate and helpful is not a job.
You have to just let it be part of what you are.
Allow it to flow.

The difference between being there for someone, and trying to save someone, is that if you "fail," if they reject your help, you take the blame for something that simply wasn't your responsibility in the first place. Does that make sense?

It's a tragic thing to watch someone fall, and be helplessly unable to catch them. But to take the blame for someone else's falling, unless you really were to blame, unless you were the one to push... to take the blame when all you tried to do was help, that is equally tragic. And that is what comes from a mentality in which you think that you can "save" anyone but yourself.

18:31 - 15 June 2008

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next