Cut and Paste, Start Again ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... <3 I spend a lot of time alone. I can�t really even say that I substitute real life friends with internet friends, because while I do sometimes do exactly that I often can�t even maintain those friendships because I quite literally spend most of my time completely on my own. Or with one of a handful of very close long term friends who manage to understand that being with someone doesn�t always mean interacting with one another. I wasn�t always like this but, I must admit, I�m happiest this way. I went to a movie the other night and while sitting in the middle of the theater listening to people laughing and joking with each other I felt like something rather than someone. The last few weeks I�ve been retreating more and more into myself because I keep getting that feeling of being somehow not a part of my surroundings. It�s not anxiety. Normally I think it would trigger the anxiety but lately it doesn�t. I just sit there watching and listening and thinking and feeling there but not there. You know how when you�re a kid you invariably at some point say �I�ll never be a grown up.� But for the most part you forget about that promise to yourself somewhere between first kisses and first jobs and look back and wonder what happened? Sometimes I think that maybe, just maybe, I�m that one kid who said it and meant it. If you don�t want to be one of them, you just don�t step into their world. That�s what I was thinking about in the theater staring at the back of the heads of the couple in front of me, before pulling my knees up to my chin in the chair and settling back to watch the movie. **** You say you're worried about losing me. I want to tell you that you've got nothing to worry about, but it would be a lie. I'm here for you, but not forever. I know I'm a crutch. You will find someone else and I will let go and move on. That is the kind of person I am. I'm here to lift people up until they can stand on their own... but I don't stick around after.
19:55 - 22 February 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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