Cut and Paste, Start Again

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... <3

I spend a lot of time alone. I canít really even say that I substitute real life friends with internet friends, because while I do sometimes do exactly that I often canít even maintain those friendships because I quite literally spend most of my time completely on my own. Or with one of a handful of very close long term friends who manage to understand that being with someone doesnít always mean interacting with one another. I wasnít always like this but, I must admit, Iím happiest this way.

I went to a movie the other night and while sitting in the middle of the theater listening to people laughing and joking with each other I felt like something rather than someone. The last few weeks Iíve been retreating more and more into myself because I keep getting that feeling of being somehow not a part of my surroundings. Itís not anxiety. Normally I think it would trigger the anxiety but lately it doesnít. I just sit there watching and listening and thinking and feeling there but not there.

You know how when youíre a kid you invariably at some point say ďIíll never be a grown up.Ē But for the most part you forget about that promise to yourself somewhere between first kisses and first jobs and look back and wonder what happened? Sometimes I think that maybe, just maybe, Iím that one kid who said it and meant it. If you donít want to be one of them, you just donít step into their world. Thatís what I was thinking about in the theater staring at the back of the heads of the couple in front of me, before pulling my knees up to my chin in the chair and settling back to watch the movie.

****

You say you're worried about losing me. I want to tell you that you've got nothing to worry about, but it would be a lie.

I'm here for you, but not forever. I know I'm a crutch.

You will find someone else and I will let go and move on. That is the kind of person I am. I'm here to lift people up until they can stand on their own... but I don't stick around after.


I love you. But you will never allow yourself to give me the things that I need. I can't watch you give them to someone else.

19:55 - 22 February 2009

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DiaryLand

stranger in a strange land - 13 July 2012
june - 26 June 2009
soft, clear, metallic tone - 15 March 2009
right - 12 March 2009
... <3 - 22 February 2009

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