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little black rain cloud

1.

When everyone around me is joking around and being lighthearted and fun, I start feeling like a little black rain cloud for wanting to talk about serious things.

It's why I rarely speak unless I'm drunk.

2.

I don't think it's a bad thing, and I hate being made to feel like it is.
I don't like boundaries. I don't like censoring my thoughts because I worry that they'll make me stand out in the crowd, singled out as "dark," "twisted," or "weird." I don't think I should feel like I'm a damper on the conversation just because I want to talk about the things that we're taught to avoid. It's why I come here, but then somedays even here I find myself censoring myself. So I throw myself into a book and have a mental chat with someone or other who probably died still trying to have a decent conversation about something real.

The world has weight, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to talk about the things that are heavy. Given the choice between learning to be more like other people and having other people learn to be more like me, I'd pick the second one any day. I just want people to stop being so afraid to think, and see, and listen, and feel. You were born with the capacity to do so, why avoid it?

If I wasn't alone with these thoughts they wouldn't feel so heavy and dark. I want to be able to say what's on my mind, get it out of me, bounce it off of someone who's willing to hear it and respond in earnest, without being told to stop being "morbid." Or angry. That's the other word I hear a lot. "Why are you so angry?"

"Well, why aren't you?"

18:47 - 06 June 2008

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