Cut and Paste, Start Again ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- I am trying my hardest to learn from my pain but can't escape the feeling that it is all very unnecessary. People cause one another pain in order to satisfy selfish needs. You can be understanding of those needs- but to what extent? Accepting his apology was cathartic, but the idea of accepting his friendship caused nothing but distress, why? Because it wasn't simply a matter of "accepting" something he was offering. I know him well enough to know that his friendship would be self-serving, and the panic I felt was in anticipation of being put back into the position of giving more than I could expect in return. And when I cry now, it isn't for what I lost with him, it is for what I never had-- what I do not seem capable of having with anyone-- A sense of equality and safety and love. I cry because I am alone and lonely and he found me so unworthy of love and affection. I cry because so many men have looked through me rather than at me, and left me empty. And here is one who tells me that I am "unique and beautiful" but still treats me as someone unlovable-- there's a voice in my head that whispers, "you are not beautiful, the world doesn't try so hard to break that which is beautiful" -- I cry because I am afraid for myself, for this life that I am so keenly aware is too short for someone to waste so much time being unable to live and enjoy. I cry for the woman I see when I look into my future; a woman broken by her disappointments, a woman who has not learned to live with the fickle nature of other people's emotions. A woman who allows herself to be scarred by experiences that would prompt others to grow. I am afraid of what I am becoming. 14:44 - 01 October 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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