Cut and Paste, Start Again

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-

i can't stop crying. I've locked myself in the bathroom at least 4 times today and pretended to be washing my face.
I've gotten better the last few years at controlling myself, at understanding that my emotions will never be quite stable or normalized... at accepting that as part of what makes me who i am. It's funny to think sometimes that i'll never experience all the emotional shades of gray that exist in the world, that every decision i ever have to make will be made with this "do or die" sense of urgency fueling it.

When i was younger I never tried to hide this... everyone who knew me knew that i was manic depressive. Now I'm ashamed of it, I'm scared that people will see this. I don't know how to get close to anyone anymore, I'm so scared that they'll think I'm too much to handle.. even though I'm in control most of the time. I don't feel like anyone will ever understand that. That I'm chosing to live like this, to go through the ups and the downs, to accept that I'll never be entirely ok, that I don't want anyone to try and fix me, I just need someone to hold me when I'm low, and laugh with me when I'm high, and not to worry too much about it otherwise.

I'm tired.

21:42 - 18 June 2006

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next