Cut and Paste, Start Again
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And just like that
1.
I was barely asleep when I woke up with tears in my eyes thinking of you asking why I never take photos of myself smiling anymore. And in the dream I told you the truth. That those photos were never forced, I was smiling for you, I was happy for you. Happy, me... the thing you insist you never accomplished. I lay here and cried, hard, for a long while. I haven't let myself do that in weeks. You'll never understand what you took away from me, not because things have ended between us, but because your way of ending it was to destroy everything about us that was precious. You built me up just to break me down. I don't want to go to sleep and dream of you. 2.
I dreamt I was on a bus with my mother, I was a kid still, she was taking me to live with my dad. It was because I'm too difficult, that's the word she always used for me when she was being nice about things. When we got to the station and my dad came and got me I saw the sign and realized you lived in this town. I called you to come and get me away from them, and you said you would. But your car kept getting lost, and soon, you were driving out to the country while I stood on the stoop of my father's city apartment waiting and calling you, "are you almost here? I can't take this, please come find me." 3.
In the dream I had a baby boy. It was winter and had snowed a lot and I was living in brooklyn and commuting to school. I was married to a russian boy who would turn into david only when he slept. He was jealous of the time I spent talking to david, so I would hide with my computer and the baby while he was awake and wait for him to sleep and turn into david to come back out. I worried about my son growing up with a mother complex because his father was so distant. 4.
And just like that we're happy again. Just as long as I bite my tongue. Just as long as I never say the words we both know I'm sitting on. I won't be happy with anyone else. I guess I just have to sit and wait for you to come back around.
19:43 - 02 February 2009
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