Cut and Paste, Start Again

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Long as I can see the light.

I'm learning to be fearless, and I swear i get a little better at it every day.

My grandfather passed a week ago, and contrary to everyone's opinion, this does upset me.

It upsets me for the following reasons:
A- The last year of his life he was barely himself, he made a mess of things, he alienated his family, he made us feel hated, and he convinced himself we didn't care. And that's not fair. It's not fair to have someone who means the world to you die feeling like you don't care about them.

B- For the first time in my life, I really do feel like I'm just plain and simply not a kid... Like if I can't take care of myself there aren't going to be any arms to hide in. I'm sure my mother feels this even more than I do, and yes, I still have her, but it's not the same. My whole life I've thought of him as being that person who would find a way to make things work for all of us. And then he got sick, and he got sicker, and he stopped making things work. And now he's just plain not there.
C- The last time we spoke, before he got really bad, I lied to him. I told him that yes I had a boyfriend, and yes I would get married. And it made him happy cause he doesn't want me to be alone, he wants me to have a man who would take care of me the way he took care of his wife. And so I lied to him. And I don't know why that upsets me so much, but it does, moreso than anything else.

21:22 - 04 November 2006

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