Cut and Paste, Start Again
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
taken from a letter.
...The sense of being a little girl trapped in a woman�s body is very closely related to the desire for frailty. When I feel out of control I want to be protected, like a child� like a glass doll. I look at myself in the mirror and I don�t see that glass doll, I see a woman, I see something strong and hard and self-sufficient. I�ve been seeing that in the mirror since I was 9 and it scares me because I�ve never felt it� it�s like a character than I play in a movie except that I never get to take the costume off.
When I decided to get better it was in part because I felt that it was time for me accept that character� I was getting older; I needed to mature, right? You can�t go through life shoving your finger down your throat every time something upsets you� can�t get a job with scars all over your body� can�t keep waiting for your fairytale rescuer to come and make everything better, so you have to make it all better yourself. But it doesn�t get better really; it gets emptier and lonelier. And the costume doesn�t fit you any better cause that fucked up little girl who�s never known how to just be stable is still inside you waiting for control, cause that�s all she wants really� she wants control and stability but doesn�t know how to recognize when she has it. When it�s there she just feels empty, hungry and lost.
Wearing the woman costume is one thing; speaking her lines, acting out her day� those are easy. But thinking her thoughts, feeling the way she�s supposed to feel� I just never learned that. I�m tired of trying to be her, tired of being treated like her. It�s not me. Not yet at least.
I feel like right now I�m stuck between being these two people� Stuck in limbo between my past and my future. I think logically about the things that I am doing to myself� but can�t help it because it�s been so long since I felt as fulfilled as I do when I give in to sickness. The adult in me berates the childishness of the whole thing� and that little girl just stands there, hands on her hips, sticking her tongue out and swelling with pride at the fact that she�s still got a chance to show them all. To show them just how breakable she can be.
But then, there is no "them" to really show.
15:41 - 17 January 2006
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|